TD Blog’s 2009 Forecast

© 2009 TexasDarlin/TD Blog

TD NOTE: I want to express my heartfelt gratitude to Judah Benjamin and Dr. Kate for their outstanding contributions to this blog in 2008. Thanks to them, and to all our wonderful readers, the TD Blog had nearly 2.3 million hits in 2008.

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On New Years’ Eve, I offered Predictions and Ruminations, but that was just a warm-up to my serious forecast. I’ve been inspired by the comments of our intelligent readers/contributors to take the time to draft a more thoughtful list of 2009 predictions. Let’s get down to business, OK?

TD Blog’s Official Forecast for 2009

1. Michelle Obama will start a business based in the White House producing a line of Every Woman sheaths and shrugs, which will be sold exclusively at Neiman Marcus outlets. Proceeds will go directly to Michelle’s personal bank account, which is her separate property in accordance with the pre-nuptial agreement she forced Barack to sign back in the 90s. Michelle’s office suite will be decorated in black with blood-red accents, set off by white polar-bear rugs.

2. Donna Brazile will open an exclusive reservations-only restaurant in Washington D.C. called Get Hope starring fatty cream-based entrees and buttery pastries, her own recipes. It will become a favorite jaunt for the First Couple’s “date nights” out, especially on Tuesdays when Donna will open the mike for “hope talk.” Believing (erroneously) that the restaurant will thrive well into the second decade of the 21st Century, Donna will give up her gig as an “analyst” for CNN. She will also take an open-ended sabbatical from Georgetown University.

3. Unrepentant terrorists Bill Ayers and Bernardine Dohrn will have an open invitation to visit the White House and will do so liberally, pretending to dodge the press but intentionally getting captured by news crews as they duck onto the grounds. Ayers-Dohrn will also buy a large second home in Washington D.C. in a neighborhood within walking distance to the Obamas, in an effort to replicate their cozy Hyde Park community. Louis Farrakhan and Jeremiah Wright will buy there too. Patti Blagojevich, fresh from her divorce from Rod, will quietly move to DC and get her real estate license as part of a deal facilitated by Patrick Fitzgerald. Patti will make sure that the gang gets great deals on their new DC digs.

4. On a related note, Bill Ayers will be appointed to the newly created position, Ambassador of Marxism, overseeing the Administration’s mandate to foster relationships with Communist-leaning nations and Marxist dictators, and to encourage the study of Marxism as an alternative model to Democracy all around the world, with a special emphasis on primary education curricula.

5. Joe Biden, following a temporary absence rumored to be for cosmetic purposes, will oversee the start-up of the newly created Office of Dynastic Democrats, offering a wide range of policy-related and financial support to the nieces, sons, and other offspring of Congressional Democrats in order to ensure that the finest Dem families continue to run the country. Anyone with the surname “Clinton,” however, will be excluded from ever running for any public office again, pursuant to Special Legislation pushed through by Biden with behind-the-scenes heavy lifting by Nancy Pelosi.

6. Larry Sinclair will sue the State of Delaware, Barack Obama and at least one Biden for orchestrating a false arrest in Washington D.C. in an effort to thwart Sinclair’s press conference outlining his sex-scandal and other allegations against Barack Obama. The Delaware Supreme Court will throw out the lawsuit and order indefinite imprisonment of Sinclair for making false accusations about Obama. Their ruling will be affirmed by the U.S. Supreme Court.

7. The people of Kenya, including Barack’s own relatives, will continue to insist that Obama was born there, despite a gag order on the family. Unfortunately, Kenyan Ambassador Peter N.R.O. Ogego will be removed from his post by newly anointed President Odinga. Meanwhile, an authentic Kenyan birth certificate and other documentation will surface proving that Obama was indeed born in Kenya, while biographers and investigators will be increasingly frustrated by the inability to identify the name of the doctor who supposedly delivered Obama in Hawaii, or even to pin down which of two hospitals credited with hosting the birth, actually did. In 2009 sufficient evidence of Obama’s birth in Kenya rather than Hawaii will be overwhelming, and Obama himself will be forced to proclaim, “that wasn’t what I was told by my mother and grandparents” who are now conveniently all dead.

8. The born-in-Kenya revelation will coincide, not accidentally, with a Constitutional Convention, which could result in an Amendment to Article II’s Natural-Born Citizen clause, thereby legitimizing Obama’s eligibility and opening the door to a Schwarzenegger run. Arnold would then immediately launch an exploratory committee.

9. The Convention will hit a bump, though, when the related discovery surfaces that Obama legally became Barry Soetoro in the 1960s when he acquired Indonesian citizenship, supporting assertions made on this blog months ago that Obama concealed his real identity during the Presidential campaign. Obama will once again declare his innocence: “I never realized it was an official adoption.” The overly complicated situation will result in a final session of the Convention in which an Amendment is ratified exempting Barack Hussein Obama for life from any and all Constitutional Provisions. This will be a compromise to those Convention delegates who proposed scrapping the Constitution altogether in favor of a new one called The Barack Hussein Obama World Constitution.

10. Hawaiian officials will repeat as often as necessary that “a real birth certificate for Barack Obama exists….somewhere.” Governor Lingle will switch parties, and become a Democrat.

11. Obama will initiate federal legislation overriding municipal and state laws across the country that ban cigarette smoking in public places. The new law will also minimize tobacco taxation. Related legislation will legalize any other substance that can be “smoked.” A smoking lounge will be inaugurated in the heart of the West Wing and non-smoking White House staff will take up the habit in attempts to get closer to the President. Guests will enjoy complementary Cuban cigars.

12. The Palins will make preparations to move to Washington, D.C., in anticipation of a landslide Senatorial victory in 2010, launching their house hunt smack in the middle of the Ayers-Dohrn-Farrakhan-Wright neighborhood near the White House, but ultimately choosing an area based on the quality of the public schools, where Sarah and Todd plan to eventually enroll their kids and grandkids.

13. Congress will narrowly pass Obama-supported legislation, co-drafted by restaurateur Brazile, banning “unqualified bloggers.“ A new federal agency, Blogosphere Quality Control, overseeing the legislation will be directed by Markos Moulitsas of Daily Kos. He will tap Ariana Huffington of the Huffington Post as Deputy. Together they will enact rules and regulations to enable instant “black-outs” of offending bloggers, publication of blogger identities and addresses on the BQC .gov official website, blogger and server fines, and federal imprisonment for the worst offenders.

To be continued….

Open thread.